(Not So Obvious) Red Flags

Have you ever had to navigate leaving a relationship after you’ve said way too many I love you’s and we’re in this together’s? Chances are… you missed a lot of red flags that weren’t exactly waving proudly on a flagpole. They were tucked into moments, disguised as charm, empathy, or trauma. It’s hard to know when to say goodbye—especially when we’ve grown roots in the soil of someone’s potential.

After all, if we’re searching for someone who checks every box—emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, family-wise, and can make the perfect breakfast burrito—we’ll be alone forever. Because that unicorn does not exist. Humans are gloriously flawed. We come with baggage, beliefs, and behaviors formed from wounds we didn’t sign up for but still carry. Some of us are carrying generational trauma in our back pockets like expired coupons—we know they’re useless, but we’re afraid to throw them away.

So how do we know when it’s time to walk? How do we ask ourselves the real question: Are you my imperfect soulmate… or my emotional antagonist in disguise?

There you are, standing at the edge of a relationship that’s already bleeding out. The arguments show up like unwanted guests—unannounced and full of drama. Your stomach feels like it’s tied in a hundred little knots when you're near them. The absence of their presence feels better than their actual company. You start finding joy in them being away—an undeniable truth that acts like a neon sign blinking “This ain’t it.”

And yet… we hesitate.

Nixon, during the Watergate scandal, was famously asked: “What did you know and when did you know it?” So let me ask you, dear reader… When did you know? That you made a big ol’ whopper of a mistake? That the “forever” you envisioned was just emotional fast food dressed up as fine dining?

Psychological studies on relationships reveal something fascinating: most couples emotionally disconnect long before they officially part ways. If the marriage lasted 7 years, the love often left at 3.5. Twenty years? They checked out ten years ago but stayed for the mortgage, the kids, or the guilt. And you—reading this right now—might be nodding, sighing, or suddenly remembering a specific Tuesday afternoon where your soul whispered, “I don’t belong here.”

So what happened? Did you see the red flags but move forward anyway? Were you trying to rescue them? Become their safe space? Prove that love could fix what therapy, boundaries, and accountability couldn’t?

Here’s the truth:
We keep walking forward with the wrong person because we believe love can resurrect what’s already emotionally deceased. Because if we just love harder, care deeper, sacrifice more, maybe… just maybe… they’ll transform.

But love isn’t a miracle drug—it’s a partnership, not a project.

If we shut the door before they get in our heart and mind, we can move on quickly. But once they’re inside, it’s a different story. Because once we invest emotionally, we start making excuses for things we would’ve run from at first glance. And that’s the trick. At some microscopic level, we believe they’ll change. We’re not wired to sabotage ourselves—we do what we believe will lead to goodness, safety, or healing… even if it's just an illusion.

No, I’m not Nostradamus diagnosing your breakup or current relationship. I’m just speaking from the beautiful, tragic, universal truths of human behavior. The same way we smile at babies or gasp at mountaintops, we also cling too long to people who make us emotionally seasick.

Emotional Enemy (n.)
Someone who makes you feel like they’re just waiting for the next moment to break you down and call it “truth.”

These people aren’t subtle. They enter like a storm—sometimes quietly, sometimes charmingly—but always with an appetite for emotional control. Because their own internal chaos needs a host, they don’t want to just affect your emotions—they want to manage them, because it makes them feel powerful and access the kind of control they wish they had over their own mind.

And if you’ve ever shared too much too soon and found yourself soul-tied to someone who leaves you empty and confused… welcome to the club. I’ve been there too.

You end up needing more than just time to move on. You need a full internal reset—a reprogramming of what love is and what it is not. Love is not moody. Love is not transactional. Love is not available only on Wednesday after a good therapy session.

Love is a verb.
You’ll know it’s real not just because your heart skips—but because the people who know you best will see the difference. Even your cynical inner monologue—the one that rolls its eyes at everything—will admit, “Okay… this feels safe.”

But if you're anything like me, you may have missed the signs before you whispered those sacred three words. So let’s pull back the curtain on a few not-so-obvious red flags:

🚩 Trauma Dump Train — Relating Too Hard When You Talk About Your Family

It might feel validating when someone jumps in with “OMG, same!” after you vent about your parents or siblings. But beware, dear reader—someone who mirrors your frustrations without gently challenging your anger or helping you find a balanced view might be feeding dysfunction, not healing. Read that again for full effect. If every conversation reinforces your resentment without ever pointing toward growth, reconciliation, or healing, it can lead to a loop of co-rumination instead of emotional clarity and power. A healthy partner should want to soothe your pain and help you find freedom—not fuel your fire and drift into the darkness with you.

🚩 Mary Swanson Syndrome — Over-Complimenting and Worshipping Behavior

Being adored feels amazing—until it doesn’t. There’s a fine line between “you’re amazing to me” and “you are flawless, and I’ve built my identity around that idea.” When someone constantly says things like “you’re too perfect,” or “I don’t deserve you,” or “how did I get you?” it can sound sweet at first, but over time, it creates an unstable pedestal. The relationship stops being about mutual knowing and starts being about idealization. And when you inevitably show your humanness? They’ll punish you for "falling from grace." Again, compliments are healthy—and big ones feel incredible when coming from a grounded partner. But make sure they’re rooted in their own worthiness of you, because they too believe they contribute mightily to the relationship’s health and beauty.

🚩 Help Me, Help Me — They’re Always “So Busy”… Until They Need You

They’re swamped at work, drained, “in a season”—but somehow, when they need emotional support, you’re their lifeline. Their inconsistency isn’t random—it’s strategic. You learn to expect less, to stop asking for too much, and to prioritize their needs over yours. When someone shows up only when it’s convenient, or when they need care, that’s not love—it’s imbalance disguised as ambition or self-focus. Your needs matter too. Do they find ways to help you without you asking? Are they willing to sacrifice their wants for your wellbeing? Are they the yin to your yang? The answers to those questions will reveal whether you’re their just a convenient lover—or your destiny partner.

🚩 Treadmill Romance — They Make You Feel “Chosen” for Your Pain, Not Your Power

They love that you’ve been through things. They admire your resilience, call you “strong,” even say things like, “You’ve been through so much—how are you still so amazing?” At first, it feels validating. But if they consistently center their idea of you around your suffering, they may be emotionally addicted to your survival story. It’s subtle, but over time, you might feel like you have to stay broken to stay loved. A safe partner celebrates your softness and power—not just your scars. We’ve all been through our own trials and tribulations, but the relationship you invest in should focus on the front windshield, not the rearview mirror. Where are we driving to next? That’s what matters most.

🚩 3-Legged Lifestyle — They Mirror Your Values... Before They’ve Even Lived Them

In the beginning, they agree with everything. They “believe in communication,” “prioritize mental health,” “respect your independence”—they speak your language fluently. But when real-life opportunities to practice those values show up, they freeze or falter. It’s not because they’re bad people—it’s because they were reflecting you, not revealing themselves. This kind of mirroring can create a false sense of compatibility that unravels the moment integrity is required. Watch not just what they say—but how they follow through. Anyone can quote affirmations. Living them? That’s a whole different ball game. Beware of people who memorize peace but never practice it. They are what I call a crow in eagle’s clothing—loud with light, but unable to soar when it’s time to fly.

Whew. That was a lot, right? But I know you're still with me. 

Here’s what I’ve learned: Falling in love with an emotional enemy isn’t the end of the world—but it should be the end of your world with them. Because love that suffocates you isn’t love—it’s entrapment. And visiting their “world” over and over—where storms never end and birdsongs are artificial—only delays your freedom.

Have you seen The Truman Show? If not, it’s now required viewing before reading any more of my blogs. Kidding. 

Here’s the thing: when you finally unplug from the illusion, you see it. You realize you mistook performance for presence. You didn’t miss love—you missed the illusion of it.

So what now? You live. You love again. Smarter. Slower. More soulfully.

But here’s one of life’s most underrated secrets:
Not every red flag stays red when you get close enough to understand it.

Sometimes, what looks alarming from a distance is simply a wound without a bandage. A chapter without context. A survival response mistaken for a character flaw. And when you lean in—when you take the time to see the full story—you don’t find danger. You find resilience. Regret. Growth. A person who has fought hard to become someone better than who they used to be.

And suddenly, the “red flag” becomes something else entirely.
Not a warning to run—but a whisper to stay.
A soft white flag that says: I’ve surrendered to healing.
And all you want to do is wrap your arms around them, not because they’re perfect, but because they’re real—and reaching for the light just like you.

But others? The ones we covered. They’re warning signs from the universe itself.

Just remember: Mistakes are part of life.
Repeated mistakes are choices.

So go on, dear reader. Live loudly. Heal loudly. And surround yourself with white-flag people—the ones who add to your peace every day.

Until next time,
Maria 🌹