How Do You Forgive Yourself?
In short: you don’t. At least not directly at first.
I know—that statement may seem contradictory to everything you’ve heard in psychology or some sectors of spirituality.
But forgiveness, especially self-forgiveness, is an entire can o’ worms. It’s tangled with hurt, emotion, spiritual depletion, blame, guilt, regret, disappointment, and a cocktail of other emotional complexities.
This subject is near and dear to my heart because I wrestled with a lot of unforgiveness toward myself in my early twenties. You know that metaphorical fork in the road—one sign says Scenic Route, the other says Highway to Hell. Let’s just say I chose the latter and lived to see the day I looked in the mirror and barely recognized the person staring back at me. I was a shadow of who I could’ve been. A shadow of who I wanted to be. But deep down, I knew I still had time to become her.
But how do you get to that version of yourself—the healed and forgiven version?
Let’s start by rewinding.
How do you know if you haven’t forgiven yourself?
Here are three indicators that may flag the need for a long-overdue appointment—with your heart. And yes, there is such a thing as having a heart-to-heart with yourself. And I don’t mean the mental chatter in your head that cheers you on, scolds you, and helps you process life. I mean a real, intentional sit-down. Bring a sheet of paper. (No, do not open your Notes app. Write it out by hand.)
I am partial to handwriting, even though I’m typing this blog. Typing may be faster, but writing is more cognitively stimulating—and healing.
Did you know that a team of Norwegian researchers investigated whether forming letters by hand led to greater brain connectivity? They studied university students using high-density EEGs while they either wrote in cursive with a digital pen or typed words that appeared on-screen.
Surprisingly, the researchers noticed that writing by hand activated broader brain connectivity. Typing did not.
“Our findings suggest that visual and movement information obtained through precisely controlled hand movements when using a pen contribute extensively to the brain’s connectivity patterns that promote learning,” said lead researcher van der Meer.
So go ahead: sit down, brew your favorite tea. Mine is Yogi’s Kava Stress Relief. Does it eliminate stress? Hmm... I’m not so sure. But it tastes like a warm hug from a long-lost friend, and that alone is everything to me.
Then ask yourself these three questions:
If someone told me their story—and it mirrored my own self-inflicted pain—would I offer them true grace and understanding?
Am I open to talking about my pain and unpacking the root causes of my deepest regrets?
Do my current decisions reflect what I’ve learned from past choices that negatively affected my life?
That first question may seem simple, but I’ve seen people judge others harshly for things they themselves once did. Like a former smoker criticizing another smoker. Or someone scoffing, “I just don’t understand how you could do that,” while conveniently forgetting they did something similar.
But Romans 2:1 reminds us:
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
Are you gentle with who you used to be?
As for question two—muffin for thought (and yes, I love blueberry muffins). I’ve been keto for seven months, and let me tell you, I would absolutely take on a Fear Factor dare for a Wegmans blueberry muffin right now.
But back to the point. Are you really open to dialogue about your past mistakes with someone you trust? Not just venting. Not just referencing the trauma casually. I mean engaging in real, honest conversation and hearing their perspective—even if it stings.
Why? Because real, transformative change requires a visceral opinion about the old version of you. You must see clearly enough to detest dysfunction so deeply that you’re no longer tempted by it.
We only invest in what we value. Our time, our energy, our money—none of that goes toward things we don’t truly believe are part of our best future.
And let me tell you: investments aren’t cheap.
You know what is?
Eating like you don’t care about your health.
Being in an abusive relationship.
Spending money recklessly.
Spreading yourself too thin.
Toxic lifestyle choices require zero discipline. That’s why they’re cheap. Anyone can have them.
But cheap things? They break. They’re unreliable. They wear out over time. And when you adopt a cheap mindset like unforgiveness, you’ll begin to feel perpetually broken, unreliable in your own emotions, and stuck in survival mode. Just existing.
But here’s your way out: live in a posture of grit and grace.
Have the grit to do the hard things first—every single day.
And offer your past self the grace for not doing them before.
Here’s what we deserve as God’s people: elite living.
Are you one of God’s people? If you’re breathing and your heart is beating, then yes.
Better living is your birthright—but it’s not handed to you like a Costco sample.
Elite living is living in total forgiveness of yourself. It’s eating well, setting high standards in relationships, budgeting with vision, and creating harmony between your home life and your dreams.
So how do you forgive yourself for screwing up yet again?
Well, remember what I said at the top of this blog? You don’t. Not directly.
Because forgiveness isn’t something you can manufacture within. It must be received.
You cannot forgive a debt to a creditor yourself—it must be forgiven by the one owed.
Dear reader, you are beautifully unqualified to forgive yourself. That’s above your pay grade.
We didn’t write the moral code. We didn’t create the universal laws of right and wrong. God did. And through His son, Jesus Christ, He extended us unmerited grace and complete forgiveness.
So your job? Receive it.
Think of it like a million dollars sitting in the bank under your name. It’s already there. But unless you endorse the check and cash it in, it remains unused.
That’s how forgiveness works.
Don’t know how to endorse it? Start here: ask God for it.
Ask Him to cleanse your thoughts of defeat. Ask Him to cover your mind with His image of you. The Bible says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened.”
There is no door of grace that won’t open to you if you seek with your whole heart.
Jeremiah 29:13 confirms it: “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
When you make poor choices that hurt yourself, you are grieving the Holy Spirit. So you can’t go to yourself for healing. You must go to Him.
Because 1 Corinthians 6:20 reminds us, “You are not your own; you were bought at a price.”
You are simply renting this life and body. But when the tenant (you) damages the property, the homeowner (God) bears the cost. That’s why Jesus died—for you.
Let me repeat this slowly:
“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” —1 Peter 2:24
Read that again.
God forgives. Your only job is to live as if you are forgiven.
Imagine a woman named Georgia who’s buried in $30 million of debt. She loses her home, car, friends, and finally, her self-respect. She ends up in a shelter, crying into her pillow when a knock comes at the door. She doesn’t answer. The knock comes again.
“I don’t want to talk,” she says.
“You don’t have to,” the voice replies. “You just have to open the door.”
She opens it slowly. Mascara streaked, voice cracked, she says, “What could you possibly have for me?”
“I’m Second Chance,” says the figure. “And your debt has been forgiven. Not only that—you’ve been fully restored. Your account has been replenished. Your house, your car, your friends—all waiting for you.”
This is not fiction. It’s an allegorical truth of what Jesus does for us.
Now—how should Georgia live moving forward? How should she budget her freedom?
You already know the answer.
So now, go and do the same. And I will too.
And it’s not a one-time deal. God’s grace is immediate, but our human minds often take time to catch up.
So if you need to ask again tomorrow or next week, do it.
2 Samuel 22:7 says, “In my distress I called to the Lord… my cry came to his ears.”
We covered a lot of Scripture today—because you simply cannot speak on forgiveness without honoring the One who paid the ultimate price for yours.
If you made it to the end of this blog, I want you to know:
I’m proud of you.
You are worthy.
You are forgiven.
And the best days of your life?
They haven’t even happened yet.
Until next time,
Maria 🌹
